Thursday, April 22, 2010

Time for a Change.

I've been feeling more and more like I want to come back to this blog. I need to come back to this blog.
Maybe it's the fact that Jillian is turning one and I feel like it's flown by and I've missed so much. I haven't recorded it like it should have been. There is an immense amount of guilt in that. I feel guilty everyday as her mother, knowing that I am not the same Mom to her that I was to Sam. It's difficult. It's hard to forgive yourself and make the most of what is. I keep reminding myself that different, isn't necessarily worse....right? Right? Please tell me I'm right. I need to hear that I'm right!
I'm not able to devote the time with her like I was with Sami. Sami was my whole world. Everything. My only worries and concerns. Jillian has to share all that. But at the same time she benefits from the love and learning she gets from being with her big sister everyday, and learning things far beyond her skill level, much sooner than necessary.

I don't really know what shape this blog will take on for me now. I have no expectations. No "themes" so to speak. I just know that blogging is therapeutic at times and I often have more to write than a facebook status update can contain. So I think I'll be back. Maybe here...maybe someplace new, I haven't decided that yet either, but which ever way I is time for a change.


Lisa said...

Please come back to the blogging world! I've missed ya :)

Oh, and I totally understand that mommy guilt you're feeling. I've slooooowly learned to accept the fact that I'm not the same mommy to Alex & Luke that I was to Gabrielle when she was born 5 years ago. Unfortunately, mommies are always going to feel guilty about something!